“I like you, but only as a friend.”
Well, if you have heard those words or you dread you will from someone you fancy being with, I can empathize with you. Friendzone is a real thing, especially in college life, and most people wonder how to get out of friendzone.
Love is a complicated feeling and not always turn out the way you expect it.
You often develop feelings for someone, but they don’t reciprocate the same way you expect them to. You might feel anxious, depressed, or even suicidal after facing rejection.
I have been friend-zoned a couple of times (not kidding) and have friendzone a few people myself. So, I do have some useful insights that I can share with you on this topic
Let’s try to understand what friend zone is and how to move out of friendzone.
What does friendzone mean?
Friendzone is a state in a relationship when you are interested in being more than just friends with a person, but that person just wants to be friends with you.
It’s a difficult place to be in as you face a future where you have to meet regularly or occasionally. Still, you cannot share the bond with them that you truly desire.
Let’s understand what the friend zone is not. To fancy someone that you barely know or have rarely spoken with and getting rejected is not getting friend-zoned. That’s just simple rejection.
Friendzone is when you both know each other for a while and consider each other as friends, but you develop feelings for them, and they don’t.
Why the friendzone is problematic?
Rejection is ok and something you might be able to handle. We will talk about how to deal with rejection some other time. Friendzone is a little different than rejection.
After a rejection, you don’t necessarily have to face the person. You can take time and steps to recover and start fresh.
Friendzone is worse. Not only do you feel dejected, but you also feel guilty about harming the friendship. You have to carry on the association with a brave face and a broken heart. This is why the friendzone is problematic.
As stigmatized as it is, it can also lead to mental health issues and low confidence, affecting your life in the long run.
Have I been friend-zoned?
Sometimes, even when you haven’t conveyed your feelings, it’s possible that you already know that the person you love might not be interested. If you have doubts here is a checklist that might help you confirm if you are already in the friendzone:
- If you are reading this article not out of curiosity but for advice (if you need to ask, you know you already are in the friend zone)
- Every time you ask her out, she invites a friend along.
- Even if you both go out alone, she avoids any physical contact.
- She takes too long to message you back, and her replies are usually short.
- She tells you about other people she likes or has a crush on
- If her family knows all about you, you are probably friend-zoned (Girls usually don’t like sharing details about their love life with their families)
- She tries to set you up with other people.
- You console her when she breaks up with another guy (if she lets you in when she is most vulnerable, you are probably in friendzone)
- She refers to you as “bro” or “buddy” while talking or chatting.
- You try to give her hints that you fancy her, but she replies with “Aww” or “that’s cute.”
This checklist can only help you guess. The only real way to find out if you are genuinely in the friend zone or not is to ask her out, but that is risky.
Is getting out of the friendzone possible?
In some cases, yes. Not always, but It is possible to get out of the friendzone.
If your friend already likes someone else or is already in a relationship and they both love each other, it’s best to steer away from that direction.
“Every goal has a goalkeeper, that doesn’t mean you can’t score,” though this phrase sounds encouraging, it’s childish to think it’s real and ethical. Hitting on someone who is already in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
If your friend has other sexual preferences than you, it’s best not to pursue her further. No matter how hard you try, you cannot change someone’s sexual choices.
It’s possible to get out of the friendzone if you know that your friend is currently not seeing anyone else and right now sees you as a friend. I can vouch for it as I have been in that situation and got out of it successfully.
How to get out of friendzone
Relationships are complicated, and to change the dynamics of a relationship, sometimes you need to take drastic measures. Making someone like you is easy, but getting someone to love you takes courage and commitment.
Here are some proven methods that can help you with getting out of the friendzone:
#1 – Groom Well and Get in Shape
My girlfriend once friend-zoned a guy because he had a stinking breath, true story. Though it may sound lame, lack of personal hygiene and fitness is one of the most prominent reasons girls reject guys.
Most girls don’t desire bodybuilders. Instead, they are intimidated by them, but they do want their boyfriends to be fit. So if you are too lean or too chubby, start working out and pay attention to your hygiene.
Also, you cannot change your looks, but you can groom well. Keep a beard and get a nice haircut. If you can’t get a haircut or trim your beard due to religious reasons, find out what other guys in your religion are doing to groom well and follow them.
Tattoos are cool, but not necessary. Also, never get a face tattoo, most girls will feel intimidated by that.
#2 – Be a gentleman and develop etiquettes
Most girls like men, not spoilt brats. Get manners and learn etiquette.
Treat everyone with respect and not just the girl with you. She will respect you more when she sees others respecting you.
#3 – Ask a mutual friend to intervene.
It might or might not work, but is worth a try. You can always ask a mutual friend to play wingman (or woman) for you.
They can help drop subtle hints like “how you both look so great with each other” and make the situation better.
#4 – Give less attention and create competition.
One of the ways you can change your status is by creating your value. First, you create dependency by giving a lot of attention. Be readily available for her, call or chat with her a lot, and hang out with her whenever she needs.
Once you feel that you have created a dependency, deprave them of your attention. Don’t cut off completely, but reduce the time of your contact considerably. While chatting, pretend to be busy but stay online and chat with your other friends.
Relationships are not much different than transactions, and a basic rule of a deal is that scarcity creates more demand.
Also, it sometimes creates a sense of competition. Socialize more and create more friends of the opposite sex. Never directly discuss with her about how you interact with other girls, but drop some hints occasionally. Jealousy can sometimes work wonders.
If she is not jealous, she might genuinely not be interested in you.
#5 – Don’t make her the center of your world.
Be passionate about your work and have goals other than her. Girls usually don’t like guys without ambition.
Also, if you are busy with something other than them, they might be a little more motivated to seek your time and attention.
#6 – Get her to invest in you.
The person you love is more likely to fall in love with you if they invest in you.
I am not talking about investing money but investing time and energy.
Stop giving out favors and instead start demanding and asking them for some support when they can genuinely help you. It can be something as simple as helping you with a project or dropping you somewhere or more.
#7 – Don’t be a Jerk and show gratitude.
When your friend helps you out, show them some gratitude. Rewarding good deeds go a long way in any relationship.
Also, don’t be too possessive or restrictive. Everyone likes freedom, and no one loves a jerk. Set your boundaries and never interfere when someone doesn’t want you to.
#8 – Flirt but not desperately
Flirting is one of the essential actions that can either make or break your relationship.
Complimenting and hinting that you are attracted to her is healthy. But set your boundaries and don’t get too desperate. Avoid too many sexual references while flirting; it might make her uncomfortable.
#9 – Be Confident
Confidence is the key to the science of attraction. Your low confidence might be the reason for your being in the friendzone.
The good thing is that confidence is achievable. It is all about making decisions with surety. Work on your personality and self-belief to improve.
#10 – Change her perspective about you.
If she has already told you that she only wants you as a friend, then your last bet is to change her perspective about you.
Change your habits if required and show her your better side she has never seen before.
With time and some luck, you will see signs that you’re leaving the friend zone.
Do’s and Dont’s
While we have talked in-depth about how to get out of the friend zone, there are a few things that you should consider.
- Be prepared for rejection. It’s a personal choice in the end, and you have to accept it.
- Never hit on friends who are already in a happy relationship. You will not only spoil your friendship but also ruin their lives.
- Don’t force your opinions on her.
- Give her space to decide if she wants to stay friends or have something more.
- It’s best to have some distance if she makes it clear that she doesn’t want to be anything more than friends.
- Don’t beg and have self-respect. The pleading is not going to change someone’s decision.
- If you feel depressed or suicidal after rejection, don’t fear to seek help from other friends or professionals. Failed relationships are a prominent mental health risk. Read our article about how to spot depression in college students.
Though Friendzone is a difficult place to be in, there are ways you can get out of it. It’s essential that you introspect and find out why she might be uninterested in you and then work towards changing that.
Relationships are complicated and need nurturing with confidence and care instead of desperation. Work on yourself as you can change only yourself and not them. This simple realization might work wonders in getting you out of the Friendzone.
Make them invest in you emotionally so that they fear to lose you. Create space for someone to miss you and value your presence. Most importantly, have confidence and self-respect. Whatever the consequences, you will be a better person in the end.
Pingback: How to make a long distance relationship work - guide for couples